NO, WOMEN CAN'T HAVE IT ALL & NEITHER CAN MEN
Photo credit: AMC, 2010
With their widely-circulated comments in 2013, Anne-Marie Slaughter and Sheryl Sandberg cracked open the age-old debate: Can women have it all? Prior consensus was that urges to balance work and family dissuaded women from entering or staying in the work force, while glass ceilings and unequal pay frustrated the effort. Both argued that these forces leads to a dearth of women fulfilling both their professional and personal dreams.
The discussion has gained recent momentum in popular conversation, thanks in part to the success of AMC’s hit show Mad Men. The drama depicts the notoriously sexist era of the 1960s, highlighting the cultural and institutional barriers women faced at home and in the office. The show’s producers pride themselves on their accurate portrayal of the decade, but their commitment extends beyond historical events. They also capture the decade’s zeitgeist and in that way, make Mad Men a relevant case study in women’s suffrage. It conveys an era where men had it all and women fought for scraps. In one scene, earnest up-and-comer Peggy Olson remarks to boss Don Draper, “You have everything, and you have so much of it.” Don surprises himself, answering, “I suppose that’s true.”
Don’s response to Peggy is telling – not because it confirms the notion that “men had it all,” but because it suggests they didn’t. Don is visually disturbed that his life could be something of envy. From Peggy’s perspective, Don has the life – two healthy children, a beautiful wife, a spiffy new Cadillac, and lots of playtime on the side. But a closer look suggests otherwise. Unbeknownst to Peggy, Don’s cornucopia also contains a neglected childhood, a broken family, probable PTSD, and a lack of self-worth and identity. Yes, Don philanders. He abuses a culture that tolerates and promotes misogyny. But this is not a perk of being a man, it is a coping mechanism of being a man. Don didn’t have it all. No one did. And today, no one does because “having it all” is an aspiration, not a destination.
Peggy’s observation calls out Don’s relative success to her own, but more importantly, it celebrates a materialistic vision of the American Dream. It equates material gain with psychological satisfaction. This vision remains a cornerstone of American life today. Owning a home, leaving your children better off than you were – these are goals that define what success looks like. But they don’t capture what success feels like.
Social commentator Rebecca Traister convinced Slaughter to abandon the phrase “have it all” after Slaughter’s Atlantic piece went viral. She rightly argued it made women sound “piggy and elitist.” But the spirit behind Slaughter’s phrase is accurate. It essentially asked if women could achieve both their personal and professional aspirations. What is inaccurate is how she and Sandberg answer this question. Slaughter points to cultural and institutional impediments. Sandberg suggests women themselves don’t fully commit to being professionals. Neither reads this as a question of values. But that’s exactly what it is. Some women prefer corporate America, others look forward to raising a family. The same can be said for men.
There are many barriers – institutional, psychological, or otherwise – still challenging career women (see the Twitter exchange between @PlayboyDotCom and musician @NekoCase, for recent illustration). But perhaps the greatest barrier is failing to recognize this issue as a question of values. There are women who give greater value to their professional calling, just as there are men who want to be stay-at-home dads. We will make it easier on ourselves if we recognize this evolution. The notion of “having it all” leaves little room for relaxed gender roles. It upholds 1960s ideals. We would all do well to abandon it.
Just as men need to continue supporting women in the work place, women need to remember that many men want to be “family men.” Cheryl Sandberg came close to recognizing this in her June 2014 Ad Week piece. Describing her collaboration with Getty Images to offer more realistic photos of “working moms,” she notes they have also included men who have “chosen” to be primary caregivers. That somehow makes the act sound less genuine than if she’d said “men who are primary caregivers.”
It comes back to what each of us wants in life. We may not be able to have it all, but we can all certainly have exactly what we value.